February 19, 2010

WRITTEN OVER TWO YEARS AGO 9/2008

not really sure what I mean by not quite there, but I am not quite there!

I am here sitting here, in the rain soaked day of the end of september dreaming of warmer days, days were I do not feel like shit, day where my young bones do not ache due to the amount of water in the air or the presure in the atmosphere! wondering if this is really where I wanna be? Am I not quite there?

Not sure, never really sure where I am from minute to minute, day to day, week to week...all I know is that I feel as though there is another place I should be. Maybe it is the fact that I am adopted, and I get this feeling every so often of being left out, left behind or most alone, even though I am surrounded by people who love me for me, and not for what I could have been or where I came from. They love me for me, the care about me because I am a mother, friend, leader and all else a woman. I am not judged on the facts of my birth or the fact that I could have been this or that, or where I might have lived had my birthmother desided to keep me. I am glad I am not judged on all those things, but still in the back of my head I feel like I have been left out of something greater. Something I can not find, something that is "Not quite there!"

My house is not quite there either, my car is not quite there, I am NOT QUITE THERE - will it ever be there? Who knows, who cares? Well not many but ME, I care if I get to the point where I stop asking am I there yet?

Does being a mother get you closer to that feeling of completness? I DO NOT THINK SO!
I am stuck, and feeling much alone from day to day. Is anything ever quite there? I do not think so.
Do I have a greater purpose in life? Not sure! I could or this could be it, either way I can only try and work with what I am given. I have been given the art of writting, creating, drawing, painting and so many other outlets, but which one is the best, which one is going to best describe what I want it to?

Another unanswered question, well atleast by me, it will be unanswered by me for years.

On to the next biggest thing, who knows what it is but I guess I will know when I hit it head on!

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1 Comments:

Blogger Old School/New School Mom said...

I can't imagine what that must feel like. Do you ever want to find your birth mother?

February 21, 2010 at 6:43 AM  

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